Workplace Rants

I would like to preface this blog by saying that I am by no means a naturally pugnacious or angry person. I’m quite the opposite. I am, however, cynical as hell. Also, certain office-setting scenarios require ranting about. They just do. Trust me.

*Disclaimer: Names have been changed (or omitted altogether) to protect the guilty.*

It is irritating when:

- The woman in the office next to you has her phone ringer turned up so loudly that it would not only rouse the dead, it would cause their ears to bleed and kill them a second time. If you’re really that concerned about missing an important call, please have your office phone forwarded to your cell. That way, you can prevent your coworkers from suffering a brain hemorrhage every time your phone rings.

- Kiss-Ass Guy uses any and every excuse to pop into Boss Man’s office (which happens to be located directly beside yours) approximately seven to thirteen times per day. Yes, you keep a count. This is not counting his daily “I’m-headed-out-for-the-day-just-thought-you-should-know!” drop-by. He is bursting to share some tidbit of news with Boss Man, and has tremendous interest in any and every pastime your Boss Man has ever even thought of mentioning. Really, Kiss-Ass Guy, Boss Man can see through you, I promise. **Editor’s note: This generally would not be my problem, and I would be content to overhear Kiss-Ass Guy’s conversations and chuckle to myself, if it weren’t for the fact that Kiss-Ass Guy becomes my problem when Boss Man isn’t there. Which is often.**

- You open the refrigerator shared by everyone on your floor at lunchtime only to discover that the tasty-delicious frozen entrée (my fare of choice is usually Lean Cuisine Lasagna) you brought mere hours earlier has mysteriously disappeared. Later on in the afternoon you overhear a particularly…elderly…coworker (who amazes you with their ability to function successfully in a competitive work environment despite appearing not a day under eighty) complaining about how they could have sworn they brought chicken instead of lasagna for lunch. **Editor’s note: For this reason, I have a box of oatmeal hidden away safely in the bowels of my desk.**

- You’re in a (fairly important) meeting, and you’re having difficulty understanding one of the presenters through the gigantic wad of gum she keeps smacking around. Isn’t checking your gum at the door one of the first aphorisms of at least pretending to be a semi-professional? I know that gum-smacking HAS to be in the Workplace Cardinal Sins manual somewhere. **Editor’s note: But who am I to judge. For all I know it’s Nicorette, and the only thing preventing her from gnawing off my fingers in a nicotine-withdrawal attack.*

- You’re in your office by yourself, productively staring off into space/biting your nails/adjusting your bra/bending over to pick something up from the floor/singing your own version of Cum on Feel the Noize (Quiet Riot just didn’t quite get it)/something equally embarrassing, when Silent Guy strolls in your doorway, completely catching you in whichever moderately-to-extremely awkward act you’re engaged in. It should also be in the Workplace Cardinal Sins manual that employees announce their presence detectably when entering a coworker’s office. **Editor’s note: This prevents uncomfortable encounters, especially with exceptionally awkward and random people like myself.**

I'm sure there are more, but I've ranted enough for one day.

Stay tuned!