Viva Deutschland

Several of my friends (not my family, because they obviously share my heritage) like to disagree with me when I say that being a (no matter how distant) descendant of German lineage is the greatest ancestry one could possibly have. Well, no more. After reading this blog, I am one-hundred percent certain that those unenlightened disbelievers will side with me. Read on. Or gelesen, I should say.

Proof that German engineering is amazing:

1. Porsche
Justification: If you really need a justification for why a Porsche is amazing, I give up already. Hello RS 60 Spyder.

2. Paul van Dyk
Justification: Just listen to “Haunted.” One time. You’ll be a believer.

3. Kraftwerk
Justification: Düsseldorf band in the late ‘70s/early ‘80s that pretty much revolutionized electronic music as we know it today. Booyah.

4. Weaponry
Justification: Anything from the Rheinmetall-Borsig MK 108 30mm (an autocannon for aircraft) in WWII to anything Heckler & Koch has ever created (especially the G3), many German weapons were (and still are) considered to be engineering masterpieces. Bottom line: if it’s a bad-ass gun, it was more than likely manufactured in Deutschland.

5. Wilhelm Richard Wagner / Johann Sebastian Bach / Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Justification: I could write pages. Suffice it to say: three of the best composers/conductors/essayists of all time. If you are not familiar with any of their works, consider yourself an uncultured buffoon.

6. Mercedes-Benz
Justification: I realize it’s another automobile manufacturer, but can you really beat an SLR McLaren Roadster? Not with a stick. Or an MK 108. Well, ok, maybe with a 108.

7. Beer
Justification: Ok, so beer didn’t originate in Germany. But after originating in Egypt or Mesopotamia or wherever, Germanic tribes facilitated the spread of it throughout Europe as far back as 3000 BC. There are also over 1,300 breweries in Germany, more than in any other country of the world except for the U.S. It is a major part of their culture. And can we say Oktoberfest?

8. Heidi Klum
Justification: She needs none. Really, have you seen her in lingerie?

9. Rammstein
Justification: Even if you won’t admit it, you know you went through a phase in high school where they were the most amazing band ever and you had “Du hast” on repeat for hours (although I would argue that “Sonne” is better).

10. Anne Frank
Justification: “The Diary of a Young Girl” is one of the most inspiring books of all time, made even more unbelievable because it’s true. I wish I had half of her unbreakable spirit.

11. German metal
Justification: The Scorpions. Accept. Gamma Ray. Helloween. Kreator. I need not elaborate.

12. Stollen
Justification: Ok, I don’t like fruitcake at all, but when my grandmother makes this every Christmas it never ceases to be one of the most tasty-delicious cakes I’ve ever had. Any German food, for that matter, can usually be counted upon to be scrumptious.

13. Claus Philipp Maria Justinian Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg
Justification: Most of you would probably recognize him as Claus von Stauffenberg. Either way, he was one of the principal figures of the German Resistance during WWII, and the main mastermind behind Operation Walküre. He was almost successful in overthrowing Hiter. And he was just a general all-around bad-ass.

14. And, of course, the greatest example of German engineering of all…me! :-D (Tell me you didn’t see that coming.)

Stay tuned!

Workplace Rants

I would like to preface this blog by saying that I am by no means a naturally pugnacious or angry person. I’m quite the opposite. I am, however, cynical as hell. Also, certain office-setting scenarios require ranting about. They just do. Trust me.

*Disclaimer: Names have been changed (or omitted altogether) to protect the guilty.*

It is irritating when:

- The woman in the office next to you has her phone ringer turned up so loudly that it would not only rouse the dead, it would cause their ears to bleed and kill them a second time. If you’re really that concerned about missing an important call, please have your office phone forwarded to your cell. That way, you can prevent your coworkers from suffering a brain hemorrhage every time your phone rings.

- Kiss-Ass Guy uses any and every excuse to pop into Boss Man’s office (which happens to be located directly beside yours) approximately seven to thirteen times per day. Yes, you keep a count. This is not counting his daily “I’m-headed-out-for-the-day-just-thought-you-should-know!” drop-by. He is bursting to share some tidbit of news with Boss Man, and has tremendous interest in any and every pastime your Boss Man has ever even thought of mentioning. Really, Kiss-Ass Guy, Boss Man can see through you, I promise. **Editor’s note: This generally would not be my problem, and I would be content to overhear Kiss-Ass Guy’s conversations and chuckle to myself, if it weren’t for the fact that Kiss-Ass Guy becomes my problem when Boss Man isn’t there. Which is often.**

- You open the refrigerator shared by everyone on your floor at lunchtime only to discover that the tasty-delicious frozen entrée (my fare of choice is usually Lean Cuisine Lasagna) you brought mere hours earlier has mysteriously disappeared. Later on in the afternoon you overhear a particularly…elderly…coworker (who amazes you with their ability to function successfully in a competitive work environment despite appearing not a day under eighty) complaining about how they could have sworn they brought chicken instead of lasagna for lunch. **Editor’s note: For this reason, I have a box of oatmeal hidden away safely in the bowels of my desk.**

- You’re in a (fairly important) meeting, and you’re having difficulty understanding one of the presenters through the gigantic wad of gum she keeps smacking around. Isn’t checking your gum at the door one of the first aphorisms of at least pretending to be a semi-professional? I know that gum-smacking HAS to be in the Workplace Cardinal Sins manual somewhere. **Editor’s note: But who am I to judge. For all I know it’s Nicorette, and the only thing preventing her from gnawing off my fingers in a nicotine-withdrawal attack.*

- You’re in your office by yourself, productively staring off into space/biting your nails/adjusting your bra/bending over to pick something up from the floor/singing your own version of Cum on Feel the Noize (Quiet Riot just didn’t quite get it)/something equally embarrassing, when Silent Guy strolls in your doorway, completely catching you in whichever moderately-to-extremely awkward act you’re engaged in. It should also be in the Workplace Cardinal Sins manual that employees announce their presence detectably when entering a coworker’s office. **Editor’s note: This prevents uncomfortable encounters, especially with exceptionally awkward and random people like myself.**

I'm sure there are more, but I've ranted enough for one day.

Stay tuned!